It’s the little things that matter to him.
To begin with, there is nothing we could do that could ever earn his approval. No amount of sacrifice, no amount of diligence, could ever earn his love. Somehow, I fell into a great deception, that I was to do something eternally significant every day – otherwise, God would be displeased with my life. Everyday I would desperately create chances to make a difference, taking the initiative to make a phone call, or to meet someone and encourage him. Only after I had accomplished such a feat, would I feel satisfied with the day that had passed.
Gradually though, the days started to feel unfulfilling. Many times, my attempt to start a conversation would not progress to the point of spiritual matters; my attempts to meet people would end in (what i thought was) fruitlessness. I began to, subconsciously, compartmentalize life into ‘more spiritual’ or ‘less spiritual’ activities. For instance, talking to someone about his Christian walk would be ‘more spiritual’, while talking to someone about LAN and Left4Dead2 would be ‘less spiritual’. I didn’t see it coming, but a great burden had slowly accumulated upon my back.
I struggled to see the significance in the seemingly ‘unspiritual’. Day to day activities, my studies, playing the piano (enjoying the music), playing the computer with my brother – I couldn’t see how some of these were worthwhile. My studies, for instance, were something I knew I had to do in order to produce a good testimony. But long hours of studying often left me feeling spiritually impoverished.
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I’m still searching for the answer. I know that it’s right to be diligent for the kingdom of God, it’s good to desire to glorify Him through the sharing of His word with other people. But what happens on days when such opportunities do not materialize? Do those days become wasted days?
By no means! Somehow, there is significance behind every day. Someone told me, perhaps the purpose of today is just preparation for tomorrow. Or maybe I’m just missing out on the invisible work of God – I can’t see it because i’m too fixated on my need to do something ‘fulfilling’.
I knew I couldn’t keep living under this framework of rules I had set for myself. It was as if I had to do something in order to be approved by God. I had to share the gospel every day in order to be loved by God. I don’t think God’s that sort of God. His love is unconditional, and is poured out by His grace, and not by our works.
I cried on a friend’s shoulder. because a great emotion suddenly overwhelmed me. I felt so sad, so tired of waiting for God’s voice of approval, which I had been trying to earn. I had thought that if there was no fruit, there was no approval, no joy. I think God had been there all the time, but somehow I had missed Him. I had missed the point of ministry, it wasn’t to earn His love or approval. The point of ministry is to know His love, and share that with others.
The little things matter. Five loaves and two fishes. Just make use of me Lord.
I still struggle though, to make each day count.