Rooted In the Word

For those of you keen in reading the New Testament in a year, this site may provide a little inspiration and guidance. (:

sofagang.wordpress.com

comments are welcome, please give me a hand as well (:

Remember, it’s important to know the Word of God well, it’ll keep you afloat in the years to come!

exodus 26

“so what did you learn from this passage?”

i was blank for a bit. and so he spoke

“well first, you learn how to build a tabernacle, that’s useful…

…and then you learn that sometimes there are boring parts of life
practical parts of life, like doing math or studying natural science or biology.
not everything’s always about theology and interesting stuff.
and that’s the way God made it.”

—

thanks for the reminder God (:

and i feel quite bad that increasingly i delay bible reading times with daniel. oh well.

piano

i found a piano today. it was the kind that you would have wanted.

all alone in an empty chapel, moonlight creeping through stained-glass panels, rich echoes saturating the still, cool air. it was the kind that i had wanted to get you for your birthday, but wrote that it would probably be impractical. it was the kind that – back then – i would have liked to hear you play, over and over, even as your usually-oh-so clumsy fingers produced a magical, musical flourish.

the image of a piano all alone, was your way of saying that you loved solitude. yet i had always aspired to – one day – be the one who would be allowed into that special place.

some people play for the ears of others. but you were different. you played for something else. maybe it was bashfulness that held you back, but i remembered how i had always urged you to carry on.

—

it’s funny how i could talk about you in this way. because the truth is, you no longer exist. the piano never really materialized. you too, simply faded away from reality, and made your way into my recollections, where you now stay, immortalized by memories.

—

this sounds like such a sad nostalgic post, but it isn’t. it’s more a thankful recollection.

for today i found a piano. just like the one you alway wanted. and i played it, just the way you would have – not for the ears of anyone – but only for the ears of the One who makes things worthwhile (:

 

silent knowing

it’s been so long since i’ve last written, and so much has transpired. but i shall take it one step at a time. today it shall be about the state of spiritual affairs in my own walk, which has of late been somewhat distressing.

the feeling is strange. increasingly i dread sin, hate it, want to put it to death. increasingly i want to see that streak of pride and unhealthy competitiveness (yes i’m actually quite a competitive person, so i’ve found out) be completely eradicated. And yet, at the same time, God seems to be increasingly silent, increasingly far off. I think it’s funny because a part of me seems to be getting closer to God’s heart – that sense of wanting to be holy – and yet a part of me just can’t connect with Him.

Quiet time has been alright, faithfully done (thank God), painfully silent sometimes. Reading of the Bible has been fine, even though of late I haven’t been reading in any particular sequence – but i’ve just started on the Gospel of Mark. Perhaps it is due to my lack of memorizing new passages of Scripture – but I’ve been trying on that front to, and trying to meditate on His Word. Faith? Sure there may be intellectual obstacles, but in simple faith I tell myself that I must simply know that He is real, and trust that He’s there.

Loving people. i’ve really been trying. not that i’m trying to merit my own salvation, or earning a good reputation, or aiming for men’s praise. But i’ve really been trying – to help the homeless on the streets, to spend time with friends, to make sacrifices for people. Does not the Bible say that love is of God? if God is love, then through my loving of people, ought i not experience him?

But emotionally, parched. And there is no voice. not even a voice in the heart. There is just a void of silence. I try to pray, and my own voice shatters the silence. at times i can’t even focus on praying, my thoughts wander, they are brought back. the cycle happens again.

at the end, there’s nothing to boast in. i’m weak, and i need of grace. i need of some sort of infilling. this desert place seems so vast.

but still, we must silently know

and silently sing

blessed be your name.

 

 

 

intellect

I just didn’t know what was wrong this morning. It was going to be a great day, a monday with only one lecture (from 10 to 11) and the rest of it off. And yet as I plonked myself at my usual QT spot against the side of my bed, there was once again nothing, but a chilling sense of silence.

I had just been reading a book about the veracity of the gospel accounts in the Bible. Paul had said that if the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ was bogus, then our faith is really in vain. Something about that prompted me to search out for the evidence myself, to firm up the foundation of my faith. And yet, after reading through the various arguments, I emerged with nothing but an emptiness, a thirst.

I used to be less rational. I might even confess to listening to a ‘voice in my head’ in the past. I used to speak to myself through my thoughts, imagining that it was God speaking to me (of course I based ‘His’ answers on the Bible). But now I have grown a little more suspecting…that maybe it really was just a trick of the mind. I struggle with the idea of a great Creator speaking to a little tiny speck in the universe. It confounds me, humbles me, but it also sometimes causes me to feel like I can’t hear Him.

And then, I wish there were more people to talk to about this. I know there’s people back in Singapore, but what I really need is also someone accessible, to talk this through. There used to be John Tay to help me through these intellectual struggles, or the whole FireAC gang, but for the first time I really find myself feeling quite alone in this search for God’s presence.

Sometimes I wish I could just let go of all the intellectual questions, and just believe. I wish I didn’t have to be exposed to all these arguments and thinkings.

I told God today – I feel lost in the midst of all the facts and figures. In the end it’s not going to be about how much I know about God intellectually, but how much I know Him as in a relationship. I miss Him for all the emotional experience I once had. Tears rolled down today, but more out of a sense of desperation, than an emotional encounter with Him.

Could it be sin? But I am trying so hard not to be in sin, trying so hard to live practically. It might be sin, but upon reflection, I think it shouldn’t be – and maybe I should stop subjecting myself to harsh introspection, insistently looking for some sin to repent of, lest I end up in a mental breakdown. It really affected me today, because I couldn’t really concentrate in that only lecture that I had.

—

all i want…is to feel Him again. is that too much to ask?

—

this all sounds very emo, but there are encouragements – in that I am still trying my best to lead others to Christ. But the hardest part in all this, is that while trying to lead more people to Him, I feel that emotional detachment from Him. where is that sweetness? where is that joy?

pray pray pray. (:

blindness

I scoured the shelves of Oxfam (a pretty neat charity shop in Cambridge, which sells second-hand goods), hoping to find a meaningful book on Christianity. There was C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Four Loves’, which I endeavor to read one day, but something else caught my eye, and that was a book called ‘What’s Wrong‘, written by Mike Starkey, subtitled “understanding sin today”.

You might be wondering why I’m so interested in understanding what sin is. After all, isn’t sin a dreadful thing? Most people would rather read about evangelism, or prayer. But I found myself drawn to reading this book that expounds on the subject of sin, and especially on the relevance of sin in the modern world.

You see, several days ago, I emailed a friend regarding my having witnessed to an atheist. Recounting my 3 hours long discourse with the other party, I recollected the various arguments that transpired, the many questions that were raised. It was a furious battle of logic, and eventually neither really emerged on top (as with all things, there can never really be a definite answer without faith). Well, my friend replied with an email saying this, and I thought it very apt to share:

…fighting aethists with logic will never work because the great misunderstanding is that Christians think [that] we [can] cause [an atheist] to become a christian if you manage to beat him at his points. But [the atheist] sees [it] merely as an intellectual exercise, that even if he loses he blames it on his ill thought arguments, because he does not see a need to be involved personally and emotionally with the topic at hand (ie the existence of God).

—

I realized then, that the problem wasn’t so much whether there was a God, but whether there was a severed relationship with God. Even if one proves the existence of God, people might see no need to be reconciled to Him if they don’t recognize the problem of sin.

The heart of the Christian message is the justification of sinners and subsequent adoption, but we need to include the portion about SIN! horrible thing that is. But the thing is that many people see this as legalistic. Many people feel these days that it is a sin to be intolerant toward sin (like accepting homosexuality, stuff like that). But is this true?

—

the ironic thing is, as I queued to buy the book, I ended up cutting the queue by accident. The person I had carelessly ‘overtaken’ had not said a word, but I believed he was pretty appalled at my lack of respect. I had in some way sinned ‘unintentionally’, i pray the man will forgive me. haha.

The thing is, that’s how it is for all of us. I think we sin all the time, but unknowingly. May the Lord prod deeper into our hearts to reveal this.

—

in other news, i’m starting to realize what it means to be alone.

“i’m not religious”

well, I’ve had several people ask if there are Christians here, so I’ll write this post as a reply.

The short (and tragic) reply is: not many.

A bit about what’s happening here. My roommate’s a Czech Republic guy named Daniel, studying theology. While theology may be the study of the historicity and language of religious texts (like the Bible), those who read theology may not necessary have a personal relationship with God. In fact, many don’t. I’ve heard from Daniel that he knows a lesbian who studies theology, as well as an atheist, that is a motley crew indeed. For the record, Dan’s a Catholic, who goes to mass on Sunday (Fisher’s society in the heart of Cambridge town), and who believes (quite unwaveringly) in God. Just two days ago, I had a meal with him, and he volunteered to say grace – he did the cross gesture with his hands, and said a few lines thanking God for His providence.

I thank God that at least I have a roommate who I can talk about these issues with, and he’s a Catholic (who cheekily signed up for the atheist society, remarking that you had to know your enemy to beat him). But like quite a few people these days, I’m not sure if he enjoys a personal relationship with the God he believes in. On my second night here, I had a short chat with him about the Bible, and Quiet Time. He remarked that it was something very new to him – to read the Bible for personal application and personal interaction with God. Yet, he was amazed, when I shared with him my experience of having received encouragement and guidance from the Living Word.

I promised that I would read the word of God with him one day. I’ve yet to do so. But guys, please pray that God will grant me this opportunity, and the courage. Just today, he started on an essay on Luke, so maybe that’s an opportunity (:

—

otherwise, many people here respond with “I’m not religious” when I ask them about their beliefs. Many were raised in Christian families, but later decided for themselves that it was not something they believed in. I don’t quite like the word ‘religious’, for it evokes images of ritualistic and rigid worship – nothing like the free and personal worship that we experience. I pray that people will be aware of my beliefs, and that God will make me a good example.

a few days back I also had a 3 hour long discussion with a friend about religious belief. It became somewhat of a debate session, with questions on the veracity of faith and Bible, and on logic, and on science, and philosophy. She was an atheist, and still remains one. But much prayer will definitely make the difference. God is all powerful.

—

My own spiritual walk hasn’t been at it’s best. I’ve tried to live out the faith through practical means, and maintained my QT every morning. But at the moment, there is little in the form of feeling. I can’t feel God, I can’t really hear anything that makes me feel filled. After examining my life, I find that I’ve really been trying my best to live righteously. Yet, it’s strange that there is little sense of joy. Perhaps I’m missing something. Or perhaps (hopefully), God is leading me on to a deeper understanding of Him – hence I no longer feel a sense of joy at things I used to find great delight in.

aye. If He compels you, please pray for me, that I will manage to find a breakthrough. At this point, I’m struggling intellectually (many many questions posed by many many people), and emotionally (can’t seem to feel God, though I know that faith can be independent of such feelings). I don’t really feel close to Him in the sense of a Father and a son. I thank God for my dad though, who has showed me glimpses of God’s love through his constant provision for my needs, and great acts of love for me (:

—

and so, I hope that in time to come, the knowledge of God will grow in Jesus College. Pray pray pray.

the college bar

I live in a room just a block away from the college bar. In the UK, it’s a social norm to frequent the bar, an activity for the common man, not associated with shifty characters or activities – as it often is in Singapore. Drinking alcohol isn’t the only thing that takes place there, rather it is an avenue for lighthearted conversation, for joyous revelry and loud discussions. As a result, my room isn’t the quietest of places once it passes 7 p.m. (when the bar opens).

I visited the bar for a short 5 minutes last night, and decided that it wasn’t the place for me. As I entered the place, I was enveloped by a cacophony of voices. At the bar top table, various concoctions were being whipped up, different fluids being mixed and (hopefully) harmonized. In the air, voices carrying different accents were also being tossed about and mixed together – except that the result was one big mess of incomprehensible chatter.

In a short sentence – it was noisy.

—

I just can’t really understand how the college bar is suppose to promote fellowship; nor can I comprehend how friendships are supposed to be birthed there. As I sat alone at the top of my staircase (everyone else was out), I realized that there was a certain unspoken pressure – a pressure that said: ‘unless you go to the bar, you’ll never make any friends or know anyone’. I wanted real conversation, I wanted to talk to people in the quiet of their rooms, but the bar was like a selfish bully who kept stealing away their time!

I guess these are the beginnings of loneliness. It’ll soon set in. But sometimes it is this sadness that comes from being different that paradoxically assures one of his being different in Christ. I just hope that more people will come to such a knowledge. The sort of relationships that the bar promotes are short and transient ones. It’s the same for all sorts of social activities involving a multitude of people – people put on a masquerade, greetings are perfunctory, there is much lacking in genuine conversation – and that is tragic.

—

oh well. better get used to it. other than that, the first week has definitely been an eye-opener.

God’s parting words

asked this week, what You wanted me to know before leaving. what words and truths did You want me to hide in my heart as i departed for new pastures. You spoke. and here i hope to share a few to everyone.

the first thing was that You are Wise.
an instruction to always be guided by your wisdom and not my own. an instruction to let go and not self-manage. an instruction to trust Your wisdom and perfect plan even though things seem to be getting worse.

the second thing was Your gospel
how i must daily be captured by that sense of wonder
reminded of my uselessness and depravity
reminded of Your wrath and anger
humbled of my inability to save myself
reminded of Your grace and redemption through Jesus.
and the privilege of calling You Father.

the third thing was the sweetness of Your dwelling
better is one day in your courts, than a thousand elsewhere
i’d rather be a doorkeeper in your house, than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
a remind never to compromise for the sake of company
a reminder to fear You and not fear men
a reminder to find my worth in You and no other.

the last thing was that You are Strong
I must not trust in any other
I must remember that You’re not wimpy
I don’t have to be afraid of them
Must stand strong in Your strength

—

to all loved ones (that’s you reading this)
my prayer is only that you grow closer to God
love Him more
it doesn’t matter how things are between us
maybe we’ll only talk now and then
maybe never
but always remember,
to remember Jesus.

you may forget me, but never forget Him

the last monday

one week ago, someone’s countdown began.
she told me it was her last monday.
my turn now.

yesterday’s farewell was surreal
and left my heart deeply affected
by the emotions that had transpired

talk of ‘regret’ and ‘missed chances’
left me somewhat sorrowful about a farewell
i had once missed.

watching the great hustle
one wonders how
his own farewell will be like
and while saying that he would prefer a quieter affair,
(perhaps) secretly longs for greater company.

the past week has been draining.
emotionally and (hence) spiritually.
fools disregard wisdom and instruction
but the wise heed the advice of elders.
i’ve been shaky in my resolve
but i realize now, that to love means…
to be true to another,
and let them know the true you.

even if it’s crappy for now, the next year, or year after, or …
i’ll trust that You’ll make it ok in the end
trust in Your wisdom.

—

the last monday.

what’s so great about a secret?

Sometimes, I get moderately annoyed with people who delight in their secrets.

We’ve all tasted the feeling before – hints are dropped, our attention is caught, our interest is raised. We probe further, only to find a flurry of gleeful exclamations: “Secret! (: It’s a secret!” It happens everywhere – over MSN (the easiest, with that cloak of anonymity), in person, over the phone. People seem to enjoy boasting about their secrets, especially when it pertains to matters of the heart, or the latest gossip, or something about someone else’s personal life.

but I want to ask, what’s so great about a secret? honestly?

Personally, I feel that there is nothing great about keeping others’ in suspense. Perhaps it grants the individual a sense of ‘informational superiority’, a sense of dominance, and perhaps – more likely – the sense of being important. Such is the nature of this world, that secrets beget attention. Sometimes, people like posting ambiguous comments, like parading their undivulged secrets, simply because they crave the attention of others. That’s a little tragic, isn’t it.

Transparency is the way to go. Secrets will only breed more secrets. And eventually, the interest in your undivulged secrets will wane. Eventually, you’re left with a secret that you have to deal with yourself, which no one is even willing to listen to anymore. Wouldn’t it be better if you shared it sincerely with someone? That honesty would have been appreciated, and people might have even extended their concern for you over a longer period of time. There’s nothing great about having a secret – it’s more like a burden, a responsibility sometimes, because eventually you’ll have to act on the knowledge you possess.

Interestingly, I do realize that there are several categories of secrets. There are the kind which can be paraded, and the kind that people will hide at all costs. The former brings attention, but the latter begets shame. In both cases, I think one should be transparent.

Secret sins can be hidden away from the eyes of men, but with God, there are no secrets. Finding someone you can be accountable to is ever so important – someone who u can share everything with! Otherwise, one would forever live with their own secrets – secret sins, secret guilt, secret pains, secret emotions. It’s tragic that some people just keep it all within themselves. On the outside, they are sanguine, but deep inside, they are empty – that secret emptiness is one that they conceal. But why? Share it with God, who in His love, will do what he does best.

oh well, this is my first post in a long time that I’m actually ranting. there is little structure whatsoever, and it appears that I have lost focus of my initial contention. haha. oh well.