it’s been so long since i’ve last written, and so much has transpired. but i shall take it one step at a time. today it shall be about the state of spiritual affairs in my own walk, which has of late been somewhat distressing.
the feeling is strange. increasingly i dread sin, hate it, want to put it to death. increasingly i want to see that streak of pride and unhealthy competitiveness (yes i’m actually quite a competitive person, so i’ve found out) be completely eradicated. And yet, at the same time, God seems to be increasingly silent, increasingly far off. I think it’s funny because a part of me seems to be getting closer to God’s heart – that sense of wanting to be holy – and yet a part of me just can’t connect with Him.
Quiet time has been alright, faithfully done (thank God), painfully silent sometimes. Reading of the Bible has been fine, even though of late I haven’t been reading in any particular sequence – but i’ve just started on the Gospel of Mark. Perhaps it is due to my lack of memorizing new passages of Scripture – but I’ve been trying on that front to, and trying to meditate on His Word. Faith? Sure there may be intellectual obstacles, but in simple faith I tell myself that I must simply know that He is real, and trust that He’s there.
Loving people. i’ve really been trying. not that i’m trying to merit my own salvation, or earning a good reputation, or aiming for men’s praise. But i’ve really been trying – to help the homeless on the streets, to spend time with friends, to make sacrifices for people. Does not the Bible say that love is of God? if God is love, then through my loving of people, ought i not experience him?
But emotionally, parched. And there is no voice. not even a voice in the heart. There is just a void of silence. I try to pray, and my own voice shatters the silence. at times i can’t even focus on praying, my thoughts wander, they are brought back. the cycle happens again.
at the end, there’s nothing to boast in. i’m weak, and i need of grace. i need of some sort of infilling. this desert place seems so vast.
but still, we must silently know
and silently sing
blessed be your name.
