the last monday

one week ago, someone’s countdown began.
she told me it was her last monday.
my turn now.

yesterday’s farewell was surreal
and left my heart deeply affected
by the emotions that had transpired

talk of ‘regret’ and ‘missed chances’
left me somewhat sorrowful about a farewell
i had once missed.

watching the great hustle
one wonders how
his own farewell will be like
and while saying that he would prefer a quieter affair,
(perhaps) secretly longs for greater company.

the past week has been draining.
emotionally and (hence) spiritually.
fools disregard wisdom and instruction
but the wise heed the advice of elders.
i’ve been shaky in my resolve
but i realize now, that to love means…
to be true to another,
and let them know the true you.

even if it’s crappy for now, the next year, or year after, or …
i’ll trust that You’ll make it ok in the end
trust in Your wisdom.

—

the last monday.

what’s so great about a secret?

Sometimes, I get moderately annoyed with people who delight in their secrets.

We’ve all tasted the feeling before – hints are dropped, our attention is caught, our interest is raised. We probe further, only to find a flurry of gleeful exclamations: “Secret! (: It’s a secret!” It happens everywhere – over MSN (the easiest, with that cloak of anonymity), in person, over the phone. People seem to enjoy boasting about their secrets, especially when it pertains to matters of the heart, or the latest gossip, or something about someone else’s personal life.

but I want to ask, what’s so great about a secret? honestly?

Personally, I feel that there is nothing great about keeping others’ in suspense. Perhaps it grants the individual a sense of ‘informational superiority’, a sense of dominance, and perhaps – more likely – the sense of being important. Such is the nature of this world, that secrets beget attention. Sometimes, people like posting ambiguous comments, like parading their undivulged secrets, simply because they crave the attention of others. That’s a little tragic, isn’t it.

Transparency is the way to go. Secrets will only breed more secrets. And eventually, the interest in your undivulged secrets will wane. Eventually, you’re left with a secret that you have to deal with yourself, which no one is even willing to listen to anymore. Wouldn’t it be better if you shared it sincerely with someone? That honesty would have been appreciated, and people might have even extended their concern for you over a longer period of time. There’s nothing great about having a secret – it’s more like a burden, a responsibility sometimes, because eventually you’ll have to act on the knowledge you possess.

Interestingly, I do realize that there are several categories of secrets. There are the kind which can be paraded, and the kind that people will hide at all costs. The former brings attention, but the latter begets shame. In both cases, I think one should be transparent.

Secret sins can be hidden away from the eyes of men, but with God, there are no secrets. Finding someone you can be accountable to is ever so important – someone who u can share everything with! Otherwise, one would forever live with their own secrets – secret sins, secret guilt, secret pains, secret emotions. It’s tragic that some people just keep it all within themselves. On the outside, they are sanguine, but deep inside, they are empty – that secret emptiness is one that they conceal. But why? Share it with God, who in His love, will do what he does best.

oh well, this is my first post in a long time that I’m actually ranting. there is little structure whatsoever, and it appears that I have lost focus of my initial contention. haha. oh well.

my struggle with pride

It’s strange how so many teachers regard me as ‘humble and unassuming’ in their testimonials, for I am really quite a proud person by nature (by this I mean the sinful, carnal nature). My war against pride has been (and will continue to be) a long-drawn spiritual battle, one of endurance and of continual reliance upon His grace to redeem and assist me. Every time I appear to have subdued an area of pride in my life, it would inevitably rear its ugly head in another area – albeit in a form quite unrecognizable from the original. Pride is one of the elementary sins (like the elements of the periodic table), and so it is unsurprising to find it at work in so many other wrongdoings. Yet it is this very nature of pride that frustrates me.

Most recently, during a funeral wake service of a beloved’s father, a testimony was shared by the bereaved family on how the deceased had accepted Christ on the day before his departure. In his great physical pain, the deceased had cried out to God – like a child – for healing, and having received it, had acknowledged Jesus as his Savior.

The salvation of another should inspire one to rejoice with the angels in heaven, yet what emerged in my heart was not a sense of joy, but one of despise and cynicism. The thought was a fleeting one, for I immediately cast it out of my mind, but it had transpired – and it surprised me that such thoughts should have even appeared in the first place. By God’s grace, it was eventually overcome by a sense of gratitude for His grace, and a realization that all men are saved through His grace. I went home not quite understanding why I had felt the way I did.

—

But today, as I was reflecting, I realized something, and here’s an excerpt from my journal:

You see Lord, I find this annoying attitude emerging in my heart – it’s an attitude that despises those who look to you to alleviate their pain and weariness. Sometimes I despise those who, in their martyr-style comments, talk about the trials in their life that weary and confuse them, and talk about how much they need you. Other times I despise those who pray only out of a great physical discomfort. I look down on them, thinking their faith shallow, thinking that devotion to you means so much more than just relying on you for help through suffering, thinking that I’m better in some ways. This pride rears its ugly head, and produces thoughts of condescension, shutting out the heart of compassion. I start to behave like the older brother who complained against the father’s great show of affection for the returning prodigal son, or the workers in the vineyard who complained that the owner had given the same remuneration to those who had been hired at the 11th hour.

How ugly is my heart! How deserving of you wrath! I start to despise emotional encounters with you. Once, I used to be an emotional believer too, basing my spirituality largely on emotional experiences – especially through those trying times in year 5 and 6. But as I learned more about you intellectually and through your word, those emotions were somewhat quelled, the tears dried up. And now I start to question the validity of other people’s emotional experiences. Oh but how shall I reach out to those in need? – if I lack any compassion at all!

Lord, I hate this part of myself. Please please please help me to overcome this…

I thank God for His discipline, and His pointing this grievous pride out to me. Indeed, I continue to search for the balance between emotions, child-like faith, deep intellectual understanding…

I realize that God really does encounter people through emotional experiences – the healing of lepers, the forgiveness towards a prostitute with an alabaster jar, the defense of a woman about to be stoned, the meeting of the Samaritan woman at the well – were all these not emotional experiences? They were! And indeed, I too was led to the Lord on account of such emotions – the emotion of a deep sense of need, the need to be rescued, helplessness, weakness, utter depravity. And when the Lord met that need, how much more did my love for Him increase!

There is a place for such emotions in Christian worship, may I never despise it. May I never over-exhort it either. But may God work in the ways that He deems best.

Kill my pride, O Lord.

a quiet birthday

echoes of the past ring through and through
times where there were still you and you
tablecloth hide-and-seek
library shush-and-speak

whitewashed walls with whispers and wonderings
endless posts with similar greetings
former places where laughter rang
now give way to silence.
no cards, no words, no paper
scraps of a past, now drifted away.

a quiet day, you
in your special way, say:
“everything changes
but one thing remains
the love of God will always stay.”

—

it felt different today. funny how one always craves human affection, even though one shouldn’t be reliant upon it.

but we grow up, times change, we must remember, that in the silences – God remains.

thanks everyone (: happy teacher’s day.

grace will lead us home

As I go on with life, I am sometimes struck with this profound fear that I will somehow fall away from the faith – especially when the years ahead could mean fateful encounters with intelligent individuals with intelligent arguments, or staunch atheists with unmovable beliefs. I’m afraid that one day, my faith will crumble, some thought comes along that will trouble me to a point of renouncement.

But something struck me today, and I’d like to share it with everyone who may experience this same fear, the fear of losing their Christian self.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

The power of God’s grace will bring his work to salvation to a glorious end. Salvation that began with His having predestined us before the creation of the world, will be brought to completion on the day that Jesus returns – however, in the mean time, God’s grace is actively at work to keep us from straying.

It sounds very Calvinistic, but I believe the following to be true: that we are completely unable to save ourselves, and so it was only through God’s sovereign choice, that He chose to bestow grace upon us, and called us to be His own! This same grace then, will continue to sustain us to the very end, for the sake of His name (for if He allowed any of His chosen ones to fall away, it would be a disgrace to His own name). For His namesake, God will continue to provide us with the grace that will see us through.

It’s no wonder the words of Amazing Grace go:

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come
Twas’ grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home.

Indeed, that grace which saved us wretches, will continue to sustain us to the very end!

A modern hymn resounds this note, and I shall close on this hopeful hopeful words (:

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first breath, to final death
Jesus commands my destiny!

Believe it my friends, Jesus commands our destiny. Jesus brings us to the end. No need to fear that we will fall away. Because God’s grace will keep us faithful to Him! No excuse for liberal living, but rather for thankful living!

sharing in His joy (:

the quiet voice whispers:
“don’t you feel so joyful Tim?”

a little smile breaks through.

there’s more:
“i told you i would…make it beautiful in its time”

i know i know Lord.
twice already it’s happened
something that was broken
has begun to come together again.

—

maybe you’re not quite sure what i’m speaking about
that’s ok.

but i’m going to testify today!
i’m going to scream in my heart!
that the Lord is faithful, the Lord is wise, the Lord is good!
He answers prayer, and He is real.

trust God. trust this testimony.
because it’s happened twice already
(many many more to come i hope)

and now i’m learning to share in His joy (:

our temperament

As of late, I’ve been reading quite a bit on temperaments, and their implications for a person’s spiritual life, coping mechanisms and lifestyle. More specifically, I’ve acquainted myself with the temperament theory that was conceived by Hippocrates ages ago – that which splits up human temperaments into four generic types: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. It wasn’t the first time I had encountered this theory, for dear Kenneth had told me about it before, but it was definitely the first time I plunged more deeply into the subject, and discovered some interesting nuggets of wisdom. I for one am a MelPhleg (or PhlegMel, pretty close either way).

No doubt, it’s dangerous to read too much about your temperament – for you begin to give yourself excuses for your behavior, or even begin to intentionally behave more like your supposed temperament – but it’s useful in small amounts, for it helps you to make the necessary adjustments to your behaviors where appropriate. Furthermore, you better comprehend the responses of your loved ones (hence avoiding misunderstanding), and you learn to accept them whilst helping them to overcome their weaknesses.

—

but that isn’t exactly the main point of this post. The main point is actually about God’s wisdom in the way he orchestrates life and shapes the character of those who He calls.

I’ve been reading ‘Knowing God’ by J.I Packer (excellent excellent book), and in a chapter on God’s wisdom, Packer writes that ‘the wisdom of God [orders] the events of a human life for a double purpose: the individual’s own personal sanctification, and the fulfilling of his appointed ministry and service in the life of the people of God.’ He then illustrates the work of God’s wisdom through the life of the patriarchs, and dwells on the life of Jacob most. Jacob, whose name literally means ‘he deceives’, was a man who depended largely on his own wit and cleverness to gain success in his early years – including the stealing of his brother’s birthright, and the clever breeding of Laban’s flock. However, through life’s experiences – he himself was deceived by Laban,  he himself wrestled with God, faced the fear of meeting with Esau – he was humbled and taught to rely on God rather than himself. Symbolically, he was ‘lamed’ through his wrestling encounter with God, to teach him reliance.

All this reading on temperament theory has led me to realize that ultimately, God is the master of perceiving temperaments – He knows our hearts, and has ‘hemmed [us] in behind and before’, He knows our thoughts and personality. And He alone knows what’s best for each of our temperaments – He knows how to transform us from ordinary people to God-fearing servants of His. Hence He orchestrates life in a way that would lead to our transformation – for every person, a unique pathway in life.

For the proud (like myself, and I must openly confess that pride is something which I must battle each day), He often provides circumstances where I’m reminded to be humble. For the unloving and unforgiving, perhaps He provides conflicts through which we can learn to forgive and pardon. For those tending to be depressed and self-pitying, perhaps He provides discouraging difficulties through which we learn to find hope and self-worth in Him. He transforms us according to our weaknesses and strengths!

—

This knowledge of God’s wisdom ought to lead us to trust Him more, in spite of all the circumstances in life that come our way. We should always remember that God knows what He is doing, it is best for us, and for the specific temperament blends we possess. How can the clay say to the potter: “What are you doing?” (Isaiah 45:9)- we must learn to trust in God’s perfect judgment.

He knows how to transform us into people who can glorify Him!

the sin of fear

there is no fear in love
but perfect love drives out all fear
because fear has to do with punishment
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Yesterday, as the darkness of night enveloped me in its soft embrace, a great sin was exposed in my life – one that was most unexpected. For the longest time, I’ve always been unconsciously inhibited in my relationships, still nursing the wounds from former relationships gone awry. Sometimes I justify my fear of loving people based on those past experiences, and the excuse that I still need time for recovery. But I’ve come to realize, that it wasn’t fear I faced, but a deep-seated selfishness which was disguised as fear.

I had feared being hurt, and in that self-preserving attitude locked myself away from some. At the very core of that fear was a subtle selfishness which sought to protect myself. Defenses were erected, and I had delighted myself in my quiet fortress. I was also afraid to reach out in fear of failure, a failure to touch and change lives. I exaggerate slightly, but the truth was that fear had me imprisoned.

But thankfully, God reminded me that to touch the lives of others, one must be willing to let down his defenses. There, at that moment, I entrusted my life to the Lord, repented of my selfishness, pronounced victory over my fear, and asked Him for greater courage. It was a glorious moment of liberation.

Still, I prayed for wisdom. No doubt there was a fine line between the wise withdrawal of self (for the sake of the person), and the selfish withdrawal of self (for the sake of oneself). This fine line was one I needed God to show me, and the Holy Spirit to guide me, for situations in life weren’t always so straightforward. Oh Lord, please help me love wisely, as you do.

—

You see friends, fear is a sin. There shouldn’t be fear in our lives save for the fear of the Lord (which is so different from the fear mentioned above). When we say we’re afraid of evangelizing because we don’t have the words to say – perhaps it is the sin of faithlessness, for we lack the faith to believe that the Holy Spirit will grant us the right words. When we say we’re afraid to talk about Christ because we may offend people – perhaps it is the sin of selfishness, for we don’t want to ruin their perception of who we are.

Trace your fear back to its source carefully, and perhaps you’ll see what I mean. Trust that God can free us from every fear.

—

I guess through this little recount also comes the an important lesson about guilt.

The guilt I experienced that night when I realized my selfishness was one that led to great joy in being liberated. It was like God saying: “Finally, you see as I do, glad to have you back on track, I’ve forgiven you, now get on with living for me”. The sort of guilt that leads to repentance and joyful obedience is guilt from the Holy Spirit’s work.

But other times, guilt is destructive – it leads to doubt, it leads to depression, and it leads to a sense of helplessness. It tells you that you’re not good enough to be forgiven, it tells you that you’re weak and without hope, it tells you that because of your sin you can no longer serve God wholeheartedly, it makes you doubt your sincerity to God and hence hamper your ministry. Be wary of that guilt, for it comes from the evil one, and its intent is to stumble and impair you.

–

pray that God will help us to understand more.

the sustainer of life

As of late I’ve been reading up on the subject of evolution, especially in its relation to theism, and more specifically Christianity. To this day, the debate remains unfinished, and to be honest, neither view (naturalistic evolution Vs theistic creationism) has gained the upper hand. For the individual, faith remains the sole deciding factor. For myself, my allegiance remains with Christ.

I had feared the studying evolutionary theory (and Biology in general) would wobble the foundations of my faith – as it did for the poor tormented soul of Charles Darwin. Yet one emerges relatively unscathed and more assured of one’s faith, by the grace of God. While microevolution can be ascertained and tested repeatedly, the extrapolation of these observations to macroevolutionary theory is one that is truly beyond us. To say that complex organisms like ourselves arose from a single cell would be as radical a claim as saying that God created the cosmos.

For Christians, the complexity of life and creation should be something that continually leads us to marvel at God’s infinite incomprehensibility. God’s invisible attributes are made known in His creation – his creativity, his complexity. Coming from a Christian point of view, I dare say that God created all things in a way that we (as humans) will never fully understand. The quest for knowledge will lead only to dissatisfaction, interesting isn’t it? but it’s exactly what the Teacher in Ecclesiastes discovers:

And I set my mind to seek and explore by wisdom concerning all that has been done under heaven. It is a grievous task which God has given to the sons of men to be afflicted with.

Ecclesiastes 1:13

The writer calls the task of “seeking and exploring… all that has been done under heaven” a “grievous task” that God has afflicted mankind with. Indeed, it seems that our natural inclination as humans was to discover the way that the heavens tick, the way the world around us functions – such was the origin of scientific exploration. Yet, as we make scientific ‘advances’ and grow in our knowledge of the world, can we truly say that we’ve found the answers to life?

I read up a little on quantum mechanics. The whole idea of indeterminacy, uncertainty, the possible existence of dimensions that we are unable to perceive – this just completely blows my mind, as well as the minds of many scientists. Increasingly, the very fabric of the universe seems impossible to comprehend. There are just some things that we won’t be able to find out.

—

And one thing that struck me today was the verse in Colossians:

all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:16b-17

I realized that Jesus was the very sustainer of life – the reason why things hold together. He is also the purpose for all of creation, hence we were all created for Him. It’s been repeated many times, but we all deserve a reminder from time to time.

Even as I ponder the vastness of life – the diversity of fauna and flora, the birds of the sky, the trees that greet me as I run along the pathway, my very self typing on this computer right now – I marvel at how God is the one who sustains it all. It was after all His breath that gave rise to life. You see, a pure naturalist would have be believe that life arose out of non-life, that somehow the various components of DNA self assembled and gave rise to life and all its fullness – love, friendships…; But for myself, it’s simple. Life came from God, and from no where else. He gives meaning to all life.

A truly naturalistic world would be a depressing one. There would really be no purpose in anything. And yet, life just simply screams out for a purpose. A purpose which Christians have found in Christ.

As to which is easier to believe, that’s something you have to figure out for yourself.

quietness- what it means

not that i’m angry
but that i don’t want to make things worse
by saying the wrong thing

not that i’m not listening
just tired and needing rest

not that i don’t want to talk
but that i’m just waiting for you to start
and trusting God for everything

not that i’m depressed
just reminiscing, and because of Him
that always ends in thankfulness

not that i don’t care
just that words won’t suffice
and if He lay it on my heart
i’ll be praying.

there’s beauty in silence.